My Writing
Other Religions Jump On The Pedophilia Bandwagon
With the arrest last month of a local Mormon priest on pedophilia charges, TNR will answer the question on everyone’s lips: When will those goddamn religious nuts quit it? The answer: Not until the Churches’ profit margins are healthier.
The Mormon priest in mention, whom we will call Priest Naughty Hands for reasons of anonymity, was caught with himself precariously inside of a ten-year-old boy (hereto referred to as Little Boy Blue), after an anonymous caller tipped off local authorities. When questioned later as to what he was doing in LBB, he replied, “I—I—I—what—me with my—need to—I don—superior. I want to talk to my superior.”
Only after the police threatened to take him out back and shoot him if he did not cooperate did his attitude change, and he spoke quite eloquently. “I was under orders from the top to get the Mormon Church embroiled in a pedophilia scandal by any means necessary,” said Priest Naughty Hands, “those goddamn Catholics are stealing our flock.”
In response to the now rising reports of Pedophilia and Child Molestation within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons), the Pope held a conference at the Vatican, where a shock announcement was made that the Mormon and Catholic Churches have decided to merge.
“This was a business dealing, through and through,” stated the Pope. “Until recently, the Catholic Church has held a monopoly on Child Molestation, with ever increasing costs and difficulties relocating our priests. It is time we open the market to our Mormon Brothers and merge our resources.
“Our man-power and immense wealth, coupled with the Mormons’ organizational skills, will increase the efficiency of our Pastor Relocation Program tenfold!” he continued. “The public will never know what hit them! We’ll be able to get priests in and out of there before they realize that we even lifted a… well, a finger. Just imagine the killer manpower we can devote to abhorrent activities with the Mormons on our side.”
In conjunction with the conference held at Vatican City, an emergency two-day conference was called in Mississippi among the top officials of several other religions, all trying to obtain their wedge of the Pedophilia Pie. In attendance were representatives from the United Methodist Church, Jehovah’s Witness, the Nation of Islam, and the Church of Immaculate Conception, among others.
“Everyone who is anyone was there,” said an excitable Jehovah’s Witness. “There was a real spirit of community.”
“We cannot take this lying down!” said a rep. from the Nation of Islam at the opening of the conference. “The merger between the Catholics and the Mormons cannot take place. If they are successful in implementing their new strategy, they will be unstoppable!”
“Everyday I see more and more public attention for the Catholics and the Mormons while our religions slip unnoticed under the radar screen,” added a rep. for the Methodists. “We need to let the public know that our religions are just as cool and exciting as the others by having them understand that we like violating preteen children just as much as the Catholics!”