My Writing
Couple Seeks Help With Fertility
Recently, a couple I have been friends with for a number of years has been trying to get pregnant, but to no avail. They have tried nearly every product on the market dealing with fertility that they could get their hands on, and so far nothing has proven successful. So, for the first time, they are going to a specialist to see what exactly the problem is. They were very hopeful about what they might find out. I accompanied them on this trip… for moral support.
They held hands as we all took our seats around the desk in Dr. Monroe’s office. He looked at the three of us quizzically before starting.
“How – How can I help you?”
“Well, Dr. Monroe, we have been trying to have a baby for a long time. But, as you can see, my lovely spouse and I have been unsuccessful. We were hoping that there was something you could do,” said Eric.
Dr. Monroe just stared at Eric with his mouth open slightly, then turned to me as if to ask if he were serious. I nodded to him, indicating that they were, indeed, very serious about having a baby.
A wide grin spread over his face, then he threw up his hands in mock surrender before continuing.
“How long have you been trying for?”
“Oh, well, months. You know, things are getting pretty sore over here, if you catch me,” Eric replied, the other shifting slightly in the seat next to him.
“I’m sure I do. And you have no clue as to why that is?”
“No, sir. None.”
Dr. Monroe sighed. “Well, let me try this. What is your name?” he asked Eric’s spouse.
“Andy,” came the reply.
“And that’s short for…”
“Andrew. What does that matter?”
“Well, that’s exactly my point. You’re two men.”
They both looked at him confused, so he pressed further.
“Men cannot have babies.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Eric. “Men have babies all the time. Where do you think you or I came from? Immaculate conception?”
Andy and Eric started laughing at that.
“Okay, let’s try another route. What would you say if I were to tell you that two women wanted to have a baby together?”
“I’d tell you to start sterilizing the turkey baster,” Eric said. “But seriously, Doctor, what would you recommend for Andy and me?”
“Frankly? Adoption, there’s no other way.”
“Oh my God,” Andy said as he put his hand over his chest, “are you saying I’m barren?”
Andy turned to Eric for help.
“How can you say that to him without even examining him? That’s not very nice, scaring him like that when you don’t even know yourself.”
“Oh, well I’m pretty certain in this instance. Very few—uh—couples who have been trying as long as you have were ever able to conceive.”
“Aren’t there any tests you could do to make sure?”
Dr. Monroe sighed with frustration. He said that there were some tests, but he would have to charge them for them.
“We’ll pay anything,” Andy said.
Dr. Monroe shrugged and took Andy into one of the back rooms.
Twenty minutes later, one x-ray and the video from a little camera on a stick (sent through a hole widened with an odd instrument that looked interestingly enough like the head of a duck) later, we had the results.
“As you can see,” said the Doc, “there are no ovaries or uterus or birth canal or anything else needed in conceiving a baby.”
“This must be some crazy birth defect,” said Eric. “How rare is it, Doctor?”
“Actually, it’s quite common among men, I’d expect.”
“Well, then I guess we’ll have to adopt.”
“But you could have it, Eric,” said Andy, “I’m sure your not defective, like me.”
“We’ve had this discussion already; you know I never wanted to be pregnant.”
Andy started to cry. I felt so bad for them as I sat there, listening in on this horrible news, when an idea suddenly struck me.
“I’ll do it,” I said finally from the corner.
They all looked at me.
“W-What?” said Andy.
“You heard me, I said I’ll have your baby for you. I wouldn’t mind.”
Andy and Eric were so relieved, they came right over and swept me up in a great group hug. Dr. Monroe just sighed, put his face in his hands, and appeared to be crying as well; though he did shake his head an awful lot.
The three of us, excited about this new prospect, went straight back to their apartment and got started right away.
So this reporter is coming to you over a month later with happy news. Everything looks like it has gone according to plan and we should know some results soon, even if I do have to sit on one of those damn blow-up donuts because my ass hole hurts.