Go Cannibalism!
After a recent and rigorous television advertising campaign by PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) to promote vegetarianism, a new organization was formed to bring light to the atrocities brought upon our world’s vegetables. The new organization, calling themselves FUHV (Folks for the Upright Handling of Vegetables), was founded through the mutual disgust of a group of devout environmentalists and horticulture lobbyists at the not-so-upright handling of vegetables around the world.
Staggering statistics support their claim. Estimates indicate that close to a trillion tons of vegetables per year are slaughtered for consumption by peoples all over the world. Not only are they specifically bred and raised for this purpose, but likewise have to suffer in their day to day lives before that fatal moment finally arrives. Most vegetables are left to fend for themselves from an early age. They are left out and vulnerable to the elements all day and night, receiving no reprieve from the dangerous rays of the sun and the brutal battering of rain. In fact, many of the farmers (or Bringers of Death, as they are referred to as by FUHV) have been known to resort to forms of torture, burying the young, underdeveloped vegetables in confined pits in the ground and covering them over, forcing the young ones to dig themselves out.
“This travesty has got to end,” protested one FUHV petitioner during a demonstration outside a local farm. “Far too long have these defenseless vegetables been massacred while these so-called ‘farmers’ go unchecked!”
“And it’s not just the vegetables that suffer,” piped in a fellow protester. “It’s the fruits, nuts and seeds, and other such wonderful things that are being mistreated as well.”
So, what does FUHV (and its sister organizations FUHF, FUHN, FUHS and FUHOSWT) propose we do to save the world’s population of plants? Go Cannibal.
That’s right, cannibalism: the consumption of humans by other humans. With the world’s population breeching 7 billion people, and ever increasing, it is a small wonder that we haven’t reverted to this sooner, as it seems only logical in the natural progression of our culture, or so says FUHV.
“Especially with the amount of elderly people these days,” said one FUHV member. “The baby boomer generation is getting pretty old and it’s about time we put them to use and feed today’s youth and working generations.” He went on to explain the benefits of expunging the elderly, such as the help it would provide towards President Bush’s Social Security Reform Bill, but I won’t go into the finer details here.
“The proposed plan by FUHV seems to kill many birds with one stone and has our full support,” said the President of PETA. “There is an overabundance of people on this fair earth and not enough space to go around. The plants and animals should not suffer the humans for our inability to stop breeding.”
Indeed they shouldn’t. And, since this cannibalistic plan needs to begin somewhere, I say we start with PETA.